I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
