Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I wish there were birth control emojis
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I party with great urgency now.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
