"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
