I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
