the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
