I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
