im drinking this country out of the recession.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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