I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
