I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
