The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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