Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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