I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
She's the barista slut.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
