Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
