the new term for farting is butt boxing.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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