I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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