you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
