oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
