hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
