Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
