Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
