My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
