im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
