hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
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