Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
