Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
