They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
