Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
