I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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