listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Randomize
