Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
You left your phone here
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