You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
