I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
