Only a mothe r could love this liver
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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