My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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