my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
