You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
