I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
