I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
