Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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