I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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