I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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