Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
