She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
