I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
