so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
