It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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