I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
