Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
