batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Randomize
