I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
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