Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
