The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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